Are you annoyed with your parents at home or caretakers?
Do you feel that their negativity are drowning you?
Do you feel misunderstood when you’re growing yourself but those who love you are not supporting you or bringing you up?
I want every brother to listen this Q with patience, compassion and curiosity.
DO NOT judge this brother’s behavior OR the woman’s behavior and impose your moral values on them.
Think deeper about the underlying problem inside.
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Hi Man神，溝女問題暫時解決曬 , 家陣我同屋企人相處都好有問題，尤其是我老母！ 我對老母的行為極其反感並盡力克制言語。
是咁的，我老母嘅 personalties 仲衰過 typical 嘅港女，放完工返到屋企淨係識「怨」，又鬧類似「我好攰呀」「俾我抖下啦」、「好撚煩呀」…
我心諗屌你老母係人都有壓力㗎啦，呢個世界得你一個有壓力㗎，我同老豆都不斷受你氣已經壓力唔小啦，你生我出嚟唔係畀你做沙包、情緒垃圾桶，仲挑戰我底線，好心老母抹大自己隻狗眼睇清楚自己做緊乜先啦，臭柒！
就係因為咁我就有一次鬧佢，點知佢幾日唔睬我，好啦，唔睬就唔睬對我冇乜影響， 仲撚離譜嘅係瞓覺半夜三更發脾氣，係咁打張床，
仆你個街發脾氣就死出去啦，唔好返屋企喇，想訓番好覺都唔得，明知問題喺你度仲喺到掋賴，on撚99冇藥醫!
好啦算啦, 見佢冇得救我都廢事理佢. 前幾日先火都嚟，喂大佬，我去圖書館溫書有乜問題，仲叫「陪我啦」，咁我當然冇理佢同堅持出街，跟住佢又嬲。
屌，我前幾日陪你唔夠？你真係無野做？夜晚仲喺張床度喊，你咪喊囉，自我中心到咁嘅人就係咁，you are the goodest.
所以呢幾日我都同佢冇講嘢，同埋一眼都唔望佢唔 show佢，Man神，我以後都唔想同佢講嘢、來往，
佢再嚟料我真係直頭會當自己無咗吖媽，同一個性格衰到咁撚樣嘅人一齊我好辛苦…… 唔知你有冇類似經歷？
Thx for reading my email. – M
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There’s so much happening in this situation and I can totally how much PAIN you are going through as a teenager or young adult.
I can absolutely relate to you because I have experienced similar feeling when you feel like your parents/loved ones are bring you down, spreading negativity and they DON’T understand you.
Here’s what I want to share and what I learn over the years.
#1 If we truly don’t care about someone, we would naturally be apathetic about their behaviors.
The reason you, me or others feel PISSED, ANGRY, ANNOYED by our caretakers’ behaviors is because deep down we still love them…
we still care about them and that’s why we feel so FRUSTRATED when they behave in a way that we don’t like, and when we know that they can DO MUCH BETTER than they could at that moment.
So M, I believe you still care about your mother, otherwise you wouldn’t have accomplished her.
It’s just that her behaviors are negatively bringing you down and you’re struggling to balance loving her and loving yourself.
#2 I don’t know why your mum is always bitching, moaning, whining about life, and it is SAD that she isn’t taking responsibility with her EMOTIONS and SITUATIONS and woman up to grow to become a better, stronger, more capable her.
Maybe she has tried, but it’s still not enough.
However, despite she needs to woman up and become a leader of her life, she is screaming her shit because she ALSO is in DEEP PAIN.
She is crying for help and she needs someone she trusts to help her, and that’s why she naturally wants her husband and son to listen to her and understand her, although she isn’t aware that constant BMW is NOT how you solve your shit problems.
#3 As a mature grown up human being, we all need to understand one truth:
Before we seek to be understood, we need to first understand.
So many people are desperate to be understood by others, which is natural, that they forget to FIRST UNDERSTAND OTHERS.
Most people are so NEEDY that they need others to validate/accept themselves that they forget to validate/accept/love themselves first.
Thus, if you want to learn how to influence others, first try to understand them without judgement BEFORE you try to make them understand you.
#4 The very sad truth is that sometimes those who love us the most are those who fuck us up the most, even when they have good intentions for us.
To grow up from a boy to a man, it’s in our human psyche that we NEED to go through an initiation stage,
where we CUT the TIES with our primary caretakers, be taken away by the elderly figures and be CHALLENGED in the tough world, AND THEN come back with a new identity as a transformed man.
Especially if you want to take care of your family,
you MUST first leave your home/parents ASAP, build a life/kingdom for yourself, before you can give back to them in greater/bigger/better way.
Thus if you want to grow faster to become a man, you must find a way to LEAVE HOME as your #1 priority, learn to build a life for yourself, before you can support your caretakers.
So you might consider LOVING your loved ones from a distance for a while,
to protect your mindset/environment when you’re in a vulnerable stage of growing and building your life,
and THEN contribute back and spending more time with them when you’re successful.
I know this message is controversial,
I know this pill is tough to swallow for many parents,
I know it’s easy to judge this behavior as 不孝 to many traditional families,
But this is CRUCIAL step for boys to grow up as men,
that’s been a LONG ritual 成人禮 that has been forgotten by modern society.
Read Robert Bly <Iron John／鐵約翰> for more reference，
it’s 一本關於男性啟蒙的書, highly recommended.